Triggers

So, where am I now?  Today is day 241.  Each day is hard, but still somehow easier than the day before.  I have those old feelings nagging at me everyday.. especially when things do not go my way… any little bump could be the trigger that sets me off and causes my ultimate down fall.  And if that happens, what do I stand to lose really???  Oh, just everything…

 

So when those knots start forming in my stomach, when I feel like saying screw all this.. I try to step back..  I try to think of something calming..  the smile on my boys faces, the way they laugh, the silly faces they make and it helps.. it takes me out of my head for just long enough to get control of myself…

 

Sometimes I find myself trying to fix other people though, trying to make them do what I want them to do or what I think is the best thing for them to do.  I have to remind myself of something a friend of mine says.. you can only take care of your stuff, if your side of the street is clean, you have to let them take care of their side.  That’s just so hard to do… but its necessary..

 

And another thing that helps me is too sing (in my head only… no one wants to hear me actually singing )  Here Comes the Sun  George Harrison makes me feel very Zen  LOL

 

 

 

What kind of friend are you?

Do you ever wonder what impact, if any you have on someone else? Sure we all make friends and then as life happens we drift apart and maybe we bump into them at a restaurant... you are polite, promise to get in touch, maybe exchange phone numbers or e-mail... and for awhile you might even do it, or plan to... but then life keeps on going... you have places to go and never enough time to reconnect with someone you haven't really talked to for years. Even if you meet for lunch it might be strained, trying to seem witty and friendly and fun. But then as you finally escape to your car, do you think about meeting up again? Or do you gradually drift apart again?
I confess to being a drifter on occasion... although I am fortunate enough to have a few friends that I cannot drift away from... they are like magnetic friends.. no matter what happens, they stay right there.. and you stay right there for them too...

But it makes me wonder about internet friends too... when you are "around" them, you might feel like the life of the party.. people respond to you, people laugh with you when you are being silly, they might even empathize with your troubles, or share heartfelt feelings.. but when you leave, do they think of you? Or is it out of sight (or site) out of mind?

As much as I like to think people miss me when I am not around, I am realistic enough to know that for the majority of people, I am not a magnet friend.. I might cross their minds now and then, but for the most part they have busy lives too... and its not a sad thing, its just honest.

I feel blessed for the few magnets I have, and I enjoy talking to the friends who just giggle or share with me and move on... life evolves like that...

Birthdays

Last night I went to my weekly meeting (with my family schedule I really can never plan to make more than one meeting a week), and a very nice woman was celebrating 7 years in the program with no relapses. People from all over came because its such an awesome accomplishment. A few people with 20+ years of abstinance mentioned what an inspiration she was for them. She has had many health challenges to deal with and she still has this peace and tranquilty about her, it truly is amazing.

Last night I also celebrated my 6 month mark. A man with 20 years said that 6 months is also a great accomplishment, only 1 in 20 people in our 12 step program make it to that milestone with no relapses.

I was very excited about the woman celebrating 7 years, she gives me hope, and I see that no matter what, if you follow the steps, you don't have to fall back into the old self destructive patterns.

I found myself thinking about when I have my 1st birthday, then I had to stop myself. If I plan too far ahead in my recovery and I focus on that, I will miss the little things that come in my way and I will stumble and fall and have to start over again.

I fell asleep last night thinking about the last 6 months, and they have been very hard.. some of my worst days EVER.. but undoubtedly many of my best days too... I am not in a self-centered fog anymore... I don't spend anxious hours wondering how I can get my particular "fix" or thinking about how I can get some money to finance my habit... and this is a change in my life I could never have expected or hoped for...

So I am proud of my 6 months and 5 days, and I concentrate on today.. and I hope for tomorrow to be strong.. strong enough to call someone if I need a hand to keep me from falling again....

Another day, another hurdle?

After I posted my last blog, I felt this great sense that I had done something that would really help my recovery... and maybe I felt overly confident or maybe I had just too many thoughts and emotions dancing on the surface.. whatever the case, I did a very regrettable thing...

I picked a fight with my husband. And I knew it was wrong as the words escaped my mouth.. It was almost like watching it happen in a movie on slow motion... one by one they flowed out of me and I knew I was wrong, but it was too late. So did I stop there and say "wait a minute, I don't really mean this?" Of course not, I said them so I was committed right? Then I had to act like a drama queen... I knew I was acting like a fool even as I did it... so as I sulked I began to feel like a total moron.

And then my husband came to where I was, and he did what he had every right to do, he called me out for my outburst. And I could not even defend myself, because he was right and I knew it. I knew it before the whole confrontation even began. So I told him he was right. I am not sure if he expected me to say that, but it was true so what choice did I have?

It turned out to be a good thing in the end, because we talked.. and talked.. and its good to know that no matter how horrible a situation seems, that we can work it out, and neither of us are "inactive" participants in our marriage. And I apologized to him for doing this to our family.

Last night was a big night for me

So, there is something that is a huge part of my life these days that I was not sure if I wanted to publish in a blog... but last night I realized that it truly and irrevocably impacts who I am, so I need to include it here....

I am in a 12 step program for addiction... my particular vice is not really important to share, and since they are supposed to be annonymous, I will keep that private for now.

But last night was an amazing meeting for me....

There was a new man there... his first meeting after 40 years of addiction... his wife was with him and she looked like she was barely holding it together..

Since there was a "newbie" people shared stories about their rock bottom and what actually propelled them through the meeting doors.

I had not shared that since my first night there, and I cried, and cried... just thinking about the devastation to my family, the financial situation that resulted from making my addiction my top priority... the nights I could not sleep... the days I spent thinking about how to commit suicide so it would look like an accident so my family could collect the life insurance money... the hours I have spent wishing there was a way to truly make amends for everything I have done... How do I apologize enough to my teenaged son for yelling at him for no reason... for being distant because I was absorbed by my own demons? And my little boy, there are milestones I did not celebrate because I was too caught up in my problems... Did I hurt them more than they will ever say?

And my husband... why am I not divorced? Really, he has every reason to wash his hands of me, but instead he made sure I had a support system.. he makes sure I don't miss a meeting... he keeps a close eye on me so I do not slip back into my old patterns... its honestly more than I deserve.

So last night, remembering it all... sharing it with a new member and people who were not at my first meeting just brought it all back.. and I think I needed it to.

Today I have 173 days.. and I have hope, and I have a future, and I have a better outlook than I have had for more than 7 years.

When I share at a meeting I talk about the ups and downs, the easy stuff.. and I never said I was in recovery... somehow I did not think I had earned the right to use that term. But today, I feel different, I feel like I am in recovery and it feels like I have made a huge step towards being the person I want to be... some day I will be the wife my husband deserves, the Mom my boys deserve and the friend my friends deserve...

So this is me... figuratively naked before you, but not ashamed anymore... instead I am determined to close this last chapter and start writing a new page.

I hope you come back!