Birthdays

Last night I went to my weekly meeting (with my family schedule I really can never plan to make more than one meeting a week), and a very nice woman was celebrating 7 years in the program with no relapses. People from all over came because its such an awesome accomplishment. A few people with 20+ years of abstinance mentioned what an inspiration she was for them. She has had many health challenges to deal with and she still has this peace and tranquilty about her, it truly is amazing.

Last night I also celebrated my 6 month mark. A man with 20 years said that 6 months is also a great accomplishment, only 1 in 20 people in our 12 step program make it to that milestone with no relapses.

I was very excited about the woman celebrating 7 years, she gives me hope, and I see that no matter what, if you follow the steps, you don't have to fall back into the old self destructive patterns.

I found myself thinking about when I have my 1st birthday, then I had to stop myself. If I plan too far ahead in my recovery and I focus on that, I will miss the little things that come in my way and I will stumble and fall and have to start over again.

I fell asleep last night thinking about the last 6 months, and they have been very hard.. some of my worst days EVER.. but undoubtedly many of my best days too... I am not in a self-centered fog anymore... I don't spend anxious hours wondering how I can get my particular "fix" or thinking about how I can get some money to finance my habit... and this is a change in my life I could never have expected or hoped for...

So I am proud of my 6 months and 5 days, and I concentrate on today.. and I hope for tomorrow to be strong.. strong enough to call someone if I need a hand to keep me from falling again....

Another day, another hurdle?

After I posted my last blog, I felt this great sense that I had done something that would really help my recovery... and maybe I felt overly confident or maybe I had just too many thoughts and emotions dancing on the surface.. whatever the case, I did a very regrettable thing...

I picked a fight with my husband. And I knew it was wrong as the words escaped my mouth.. It was almost like watching it happen in a movie on slow motion... one by one they flowed out of me and I knew I was wrong, but it was too late. So did I stop there and say "wait a minute, I don't really mean this?" Of course not, I said them so I was committed right? Then I had to act like a drama queen... I knew I was acting like a fool even as I did it... so as I sulked I began to feel like a total moron.

And then my husband came to where I was, and he did what he had every right to do, he called me out for my outburst. And I could not even defend myself, because he was right and I knew it. I knew it before the whole confrontation even began. So I told him he was right. I am not sure if he expected me to say that, but it was true so what choice did I have?

It turned out to be a good thing in the end, because we talked.. and talked.. and its good to know that no matter how horrible a situation seems, that we can work it out, and neither of us are "inactive" participants in our marriage. And I apologized to him for doing this to our family.