Thursday, July 31, 2008

Last night was a big night for me

So, there is something that is a huge part of my life these days that I was not sure if I wanted to publish in a blog... but last night I realized that it truly and irrevocably impacts who I am, so I need to include it here....

I am in a 12 step program for addiction... my particular vice is not really important to share, and since they are supposed to be annonymous, I will keep that private for now.

But last night was an amazing meeting for me....

There was a new man there... his first meeting after 40 years of addiction... his wife was with him and she looked like she was barely holding it together..

Since there was a "newbie" people shared stories about their rock bottom and what actually propelled them through the meeting doors.

I had not shared that since my first night there, and I cried, and cried... just thinking about the devastation to my family, the financial situation that resulted from making my addiction my top priority... the nights I could not sleep... the days I spent thinking about how to commit suicide so it would look like an accident so my family could collect the life insurance money... the hours I have spent wishing there was a way to truly make amends for everything I have done... How do I apologize enough to my teenaged son for yelling at him for no reason... for being distant because I was absorbed by my own demons? And my little boy, there are milestones I did not celebrate because I was too caught up in my problems... Did I hurt them more than they will ever say?

And my husband... why am I not divorced? Really, he has every reason to wash his hands of me, but instead he made sure I had a support system.. he makes sure I don't miss a meeting... he keeps a close eye on me so I do not slip back into my old patterns... its honestly more than I deserve.

So last night, remembering it all... sharing it with a new member and people who were not at my first meeting just brought it all back.. and I think I needed it to.

Today I have 173 days.. and I have hope, and I have a future, and I have a better outlook than I have had for more than 7 years.

When I share at a meeting I talk about the ups and downs, the easy stuff.. and I never said I was in recovery... somehow I did not think I had earned the right to use that term. But today, I feel different, I feel like I am in recovery and it feels like I have made a huge step towards being the person I want to be... some day I will be the wife my husband deserves, the Mom my boys deserve and the friend my friends deserve...

So this is me... figuratively naked before you, but not ashamed anymore... instead I am determined to close this last chapter and start writing a new page.

I hope you come back!

13 comments:

mmj100179 said...

That's so good to hear Moo!! I'm glad you're getting the help you need and did not seek other alternatives. I'm very proud of you!! Much love!!

Toni said...

I am so proud of you Moo!

Andrea said...

You're making me all teary here. You ARE the wife and mom your family deserves, totally, you just got off track. I am so proud of you for sharing and for working hard to kick this!

My3sons said...

you are a strong and caring woman. I know it's painfully hard for you but you know where your priorities should be and are working really hard to keep them at the top of your list now. (hugs) and I am SO proud of you and the progress you're making.

Minxy Mimi said...

WOW!!! What a breakthrough for you. I whole heartedly agree with Andrea, you ARE what your family deserves, we all go off track. You are stronger, smarter, and weaker in some ways than before, but its all right, because its what is going to help you heal, make amends and become the Moo who is the best she can be. Even through it all, your family is lucky to have you. Us too. If you evenr get in a situation you cannot handle, you know you can talk to us, do not ever feel so alone that you forget who loves you. US!!!
YAY Moo!!!

Susan said...

That is awesome Moo.

Erin said...

Moo, you made me tear up. You should be so proud of yourself.

Jess said...

HUGS Moo. That almost brought tears to my eyes. glad you feel that way.

Alicia said...

Moo you are awesome! Congrats :)

Wendi said...

Moo, I am glad you "realized" that you so deserve everything that life has to offer again!!! you may have not been the best mom, or wife, but the only way to go is up, and you are doing everything possible to do that, and I am so very very proud of you and KNOW you can do it!!! and like mimi said...we ARe here for you, and love you tons!!! you know in a platonic friend sort of way!! wonk wonk!!!

Heather B. said...

MOO thats so awesome. Keep on keepin on

kinder teacher said...

As your friend for the past 20 years I have to say that you have been nothing but a fantastic friend! I know the stress you have been going through for the past several years and I know the great job you have done at overcomming it all. I also see you with your boys and know that you are an outstanding mother! I am prod to call you my best friend!

Toni said...

I have an award for you at my blog come get it!